Turning 40

Ok so it happened. I turned 40 over a month ago and I am just now ready to send this out. If your wondering... I did not do it gracefully. As a matter of fact I did it down right awful. I put my husband, my family, and my friends in an ugly place and for that I am super sorry.
  I can't even really tell you how it happened but I woke up the morning of my birthday and as I opened my eyes, I already knew. I wasn't in a good place. I went down to spend some time with the Lord but didn't engage my heart in the time, cause I was already making a mental plan. My family was going to go to the movies that morning and I thought if I could get them out of the house and gone for a few hours I'd have time to kill myself. I know it sounds harsh and believe me it was. I just couldn't deal. And in my ugly fantasy I had them still having the party cause I was going to do it neatly so they wouldn't have much clean up. Thoughtful huh? Well since I'm blogging about it you know that my family didn't leave me home alone. I went through the day in such despair. 
   The next day got worse, not better. I told my husband that I was leaving him. I just needed to run away. He didn't let me. He sat and listened to my uglies. Then without advise just held me.
  That week my friends and family didn't leave me alone which showed me love but also irritated me. I spent lots of time with the Lord asking why? and how? and what now?
 Saw one of my spiritual giants who graciously spent 4 hours chatting through it with me. Both her and my man's conclusion was that my time is now. The plan God has put in my path is approaching. And the enemy knew it. So he showed up with a legion of friends to attack me like a football team. And they won the game. I was vulnerable and they took advantage of it.
 But because I'm God's daughter I WILL win the tournament.
 I've also learned some valuable lessons by hitting the bottom so hard. And here they are....
1. Be ready. Put on the Full armor of God. Not just the stuff that goes with my outfit.
2. Brother's have great insight. Mine does. He knows me and could recount victories and defeats. And then he said something so helpful I have clung to it. But its mine so I'm not sharing it.
3. Love conquers all.
4. When the battle starts, go even when you are battle worn.
5. The only weapon needed is Jesus' name.
6. Don't entertain ugly thoughts, even for a minute.
7. Know scripture and say it to yourself. even if it is only one verse. Say it over and over and over again until you believe it..
8. Let others know and carry you. Its hard to admit weakness but conrads in the journey make the burden lighter. And the enemy looses ground cause its not a secret and we aren't alone.
9. When God says stay, stay but when He says go, go. Even afraid.

  I hope I'm the only one who this ever happens to. But just incase I'm not, Be brave and don't run.

 

Bird cages vs. bird nests

I love bird cages. Not sure why but I do. I also love bird nests. I'm sure why I like them, have you seen one? They are intricate and beautifully woven together by a creature without hands and fingers. Amazing. Now there is only one bird cage that I've bought, mostly, to be honest I don't like to dust and the more stuff I have the more I have to dust. So I look at them in antique shops but I leave them there.
Anyway, I was in my bible study chair doing bible study when my mind started decorating. Ever happen to you? Reading about Joseph and how he handled the famine and "hum, I could put a nest in front of my cage that would be cute." Good ole distraction. Satan's brilliant at it.
As I day dreamed about how cute that would look the thoughts popped into my head, oh lets be honest God used Satan's distraction to point something out to me. I love that He always wins.

A bird in a cage is trapped. The cage may be pretty but she is still trapped. Her song is still there but maybe not as sweet. Her view is always the same.

While a bird with a nest is free. Free to come and go as she pleases. Free to work on her nest or just enjoy it. She see the world around her as she flies over it. Her song is a rejoicing song.

God in His ever so gentle why asked," daughter which one do you live in?"
He already knows the answer but He allows me to figure it out for myself.
I ponder.
I know what I want to say. But is it true?
I feel burdened by my answer.
Jesus died on the cross and rose again to give me life. Freedom. Yet if I'm honest I am still in that cage. The one that holds me back. Fear, insecurity, disbelief, worry, doubt. They are old friends trying to keep me from changing.
But I am changed. I am NEW!! Christ did that for me. Now I need to live it.
Yes the cage is pretty but I'm trapped. So I got up and found an ordinary piece of string and I tied the door to my cage open. Now I'm a girl so I'll say this. I wanted to go find a pretty ribbon to tie it open cause that would look cute in my front room but...
The thing that set me free was two pieces of wood, three carpenters nails and the blood of my Savior. Not pretty but the most beautiful thing ever.
The funny thing is that piece of ordinary string was just sitting on my table. Why I don't know, best guess I have a seven year old, but I think that God wanted to say," Just open it Daughter"

And now a nest. Freedom. Experience. Life.

Worst news... or was it?

So July 1st was Jeff's last day at his job. He had been let go due to restructuring. which I think is code for get rid of the professionals we have to pay and bring in college students cause they'll work for cheaper. I know that sounds bitter and maybe I am a little. My husband is an AMAZING man with so much to offer they are fools to let him go. So the news as a little hard to swallow and brought this girl to some nervous spots BUT then.   GOD!!!!
 Daughter why are you worried, don't you trust Me?
 Daughter I've got this... Watch!!
 I love him more than you do, daughter.

So I shut up and sat still and watched. I realized that my security had been rocked. I wasn't afraid of the stuff I couldn't get or the stuff I might loose it was more the unknown.

Well we are now the middle of July and Jeff has some great leads, no job offers yet BUT.....

 We have had so much fun as a family. We went camping in the middle of the week. Super fun. When we arrived at the beach this happened...

Now I don't know if the Lord announces you to the beach like that but that's how He announces the Cran's!!! :)

It was just that kind of trip. Fun was had by all and God showed Himself as if to say, " I love camping with you guys."

After camping we can home late Saturday evening and washed clothes, went to church Sunday, had a great time at a friends house and then...

back in the car for another during the week trip to CA. this time to see our family and friend. Super fun

See what God know is that another job is going to come and we will find our new normal with that job but family time is a gift. We are very thankful that we had a chance to be the traveling Cran's for two weeks. It also makes coming home feel delicious too. So yes its a bummer that Jeff got let go but its also a blessing. We get to learn to trust God more and to find joy in the simple. So yes the day hurt but the adventure just took a left turn and this road is exciting in its own way... What comes next? Where will Jeff's next mission field be? Cause if you know Jeff you know he does not waste opportunities to point others to Christ. So here we go, a little tattered around the edges, wiping the dirt from our smiling faces, and with a sparkle of hope and excitement for the journey.

favorite things

On our trip to Maine there are a few things that happened that made my heart melt and a huge lump park itself in my throat. And the funny thing is I wasn't involved in any of them. They were all things I over heard.

Both my children, when taking about me referred to my chair as "my mom's bible study chair." I realized that my everyday quiet time isn't just for me and God, it is passing on a legacy of a special place to meet with God. My children notice and are catching what I want to pass on. AMEN!!

My father in law is a very quiet but loving man. I know he thinks nice stuff about all of us but it's rare he says it out loud. I was in the kitchen making a sandwich when my father in law can in and put both his hands around my daughters face and said," I like your hair short but you have such a beautiful face I want to see it more." If I could of melted into the cupboards I would of cause it was such a special moment for them two. And just so you know how much that meant to her, everyday after that she clipped her bangs to the side.

And about my meeting place, my Rock, I came in one morning when Auntie had slept over and she asked if I had just got up? I said no I had just been at the beach and she replied she would of come with me. To that Cooper announced that she couldn't go with me cause it was my time to talk to God. He knew this cause he had asked if he could come with me one morning and his daddy let him know it was mommy's time with God.

Sometimes, I've come to realize, its not the events we place in our lives that make the most profound memories its what happens at those events. Its a statement or a look that makes it worth remembering. So my challenge to you is... be a noticer. I think you will be surprised at what you are leaving for others to notice, and in turn you notice also.

do overs and holy ground

Last year before our trip to Maine, God said he wanted to meet with me on this specific rock. He had something to chat with me about.
So super excited.
Couldn't wait to get there and then... chicken boc boc boc.
 Every morning I'd wake up and the Lord would beckon me and I would find excuse after excuse. The last day of our trip Jeff said you'd better go or your gonna regret it.
So I got my notebook and I opened the back door... its raining. serves me right, all those sunny mornings, in the rain I go.
I walk the few steps to the beach and I see the exact rock God showed me, but its further than I thought and its raining ,the other rocks are slippery and I am scared.
 what if I fall?
what if I get hurt?
I start the journey which in hind sight isn't that far. I make it.
 I sit down.. right in a puddle. serves me right, all those sunny morning.
 Now I'm sitting on the ocean shore and the fog is so thick I can't see the water. serves me right,. all those sunny morning.
God and I chatted.
I come home to my coast.
One year later.
Planning our next trip to Maine.
God says," Daughter you wanna a do over? "
You bet Lord!!!
First morning in Maine, I'm up early, so excited, I open the back door, its sunny. Down to the beach, I slip off my shoes and climb out to the Rock.
Now God had every right to shame me, make me feel small and less than. But that's not the God I serve, NO!!
I sit looking at the ocean and there is only one sun beam in the water and it points right to me and the Rock.
Love, acceptance, forgiveness, joy, celebration
God was glad I had come.
What a beautiful full circle moment for this girl and her Maker.
I went each morning and we had sweet moments and tearful moments and oh boy moments and you want me to do what moments
But the time was sweet and refreshing to my soul.
God and I bonded in a no distraction kind of way.
The last day Jeff said," we should take a picture of you on your Rock." so out we went.
I walked down the stairs, kicked off my shoes and climbed out.
Jeff was taking pictures when it hit me... I had taken my shoes off each morning and always gone out bare foot.
My own Moses moment.
 In that instant I realized the Rock was my Holy ground. Lots of people through out the year will go and sit on that rock but for them it will just be a rock. Not to this girl
Just like lots of people probably walked by the bush and it never caught fire. But for Moses it was where he met God. And he was barefoot because for Moses it was Holy ground.
I don't know where your Holy spot will be but when God says He wants to chat with you, take it from this chicken... GO!!!!

                                            My shoes by the stairs down to that beach.

                                                                  Me and The Rock

                                                                HOLY GROUND!!!

Fearless.... NAH!!!

So I assumed that finding the bridge would change everything. Haha. It changed nothing except my knowledge of what it was. So here I sit still on the wrong side of the bridge. The bridge in front of me.
 All I have to do is start walking.
I step out.
The bridge holds.
A few tentative steps.
Deep breathe.
And then...
Satan starts whispering loudly.
"wrong way."
"He will ask to much of you, come back."
All the while the Lord is beckoning me from the other side.
Not competing with Satan, beckoning. ( God knows Hes already won the fight)
I find myself looking forward, then back.
Which way do I go. My heart knows the way but my flesh is putting up a good fight.
I am a tight rope in the tug of war on the bridge between good and evil.
I'm frustrated and scared, yet excited and anticipating something wonderful when I finally become her.
I'm going!!!

This morning my son had a situation with a tummy ache. There he sat on the potty complaining about his tummy. Then it happened ( you know it.) I asked him if he felt better.
" No", he said, " I'm doing what my tummy tells me but its still hurting."
Now I know only a mommy could take a potty experience and see God. That's exactly how I am feeling. I'm doing what your asking Lord but it still hurts. Its still scary. I'm still fearful. Sometimes, no all the time I KNOW that its better to walk that scary bridge, one tentative step at a time than stay put. So with fear and excitement, hope and worry, faith and belief all wrapped up together I'm stepping out. Doing the crazy thing. Being God's girl even in the middle of my fear. ( and I mean middle. I can't see the end but I will trust there is one.)
If God is for me, I can become fearless, or just braver.

Bridges

So for the last 6 months or so I've been asking God to show me how to become the girl He wants me to be? I see her, shes across the river from where I am today. But how do I get there, that's my dilemma. Now I'm smart like you so I know its a bridge. But whats it made of? See the me I am today needs to logically and emotionally get across the river. So the bridge can't be made of sticks and stones, no building material necessary.

I've tried to figure out what it might take to get over there but each time I've tried to build it myself its fallen apart. So here I sit on my side of the shore. I'm a swimmer so the thought has crossed my mind. But its a rapidly moving river full of self doubt, fear, insecurity, panic, shame, guilt. Its not friendly water. So I definitely need a bridge.

In the midst of this dilemma God asked some pointed things of me. Go buy a binder, buy notebook paper, buy index cards. After I bought them He said, " put the paper in the binder, put sheet protectors in the binder, put a rubber band around the index cards." If your not laughing, go ahead and do it now. I'll wait....
I laughed, I thought am I crazy, is God really saying this or am I. Now my advise is simple. If God tells you to do IT, do IT. Whatever IT may be. Because He was getting me ready for my answer. I didn't know this but that's what happened.

I sat down to read "The Final Summit" by Andy Andrews. And on a random page in the middle of the book was my answer. And it was....

SELF DISCIPLINE!!!!

In the book the sentence went like this..." Self discipline is the bridge between what you are and what you wish to become. And unless you change how you think and how you act, you will always be what you are." I sat there is awe for a few minutes then I started to cry and laugh at the same time. Relief flooded me. Just to have the question answered. But also at that moment the scales feel off my eyes (Acts 9:18 KJV). All of the sudden things I've known became clear. The best way for me to describe it is... I felt like I was holding a handful of Connect 4 pieces. At that moment I knew which column to put them in. All my thoughts and goals were in their place and I could see the path. Deep breath moment.

So off I go. Now I need to set the right boundaries around my heart and mind, around my  activitys with my body and schedule, around what I don't want to do, to get to where I do want to go. It will come down to choices and self discipline.

I'm excited and a little scared to meet the Christy, God wants me to be. Mostly excited. I know its my job to make the bridge a strong one. With God's help I know I can cause...
I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. (Col.1:17,Matt. 19:26, Rom. 8:28,8:37)

My thoughts for you is.. go find your bridge. Cross it and don't look back.