Turning 40

Ok so it happened. I turned 40 over a month ago and I am just now ready to send this out. If your wondering... I did not do it gracefully. As a matter of fact I did it down right awful. I put my husband, my family, and my friends in an ugly place and for that I am super sorry.
  I can't even really tell you how it happened but I woke up the morning of my birthday and as I opened my eyes, I already knew. I wasn't in a good place. I went down to spend some time with the Lord but didn't engage my heart in the time, cause I was already making a mental plan. My family was going to go to the movies that morning and I thought if I could get them out of the house and gone for a few hours I'd have time to kill myself. I know it sounds harsh and believe me it was. I just couldn't deal. And in my ugly fantasy I had them still having the party cause I was going to do it neatly so they wouldn't have much clean up. Thoughtful huh? Well since I'm blogging about it you know that my family didn't leave me home alone. I went through the day in such despair. 
   The next day got worse, not better. I told my husband that I was leaving him. I just needed to run away. He didn't let me. He sat and listened to my uglies. Then without advise just held me.
  That week my friends and family didn't leave me alone which showed me love but also irritated me. I spent lots of time with the Lord asking why? and how? and what now?
 Saw one of my spiritual giants who graciously spent 4 hours chatting through it with me. Both her and my man's conclusion was that my time is now. The plan God has put in my path is approaching. And the enemy knew it. So he showed up with a legion of friends to attack me like a football team. And they won the game. I was vulnerable and they took advantage of it.
 But because I'm God's daughter I WILL win the tournament.
 I've also learned some valuable lessons by hitting the bottom so hard. And here they are....
1. Be ready. Put on the Full armor of God. Not just the stuff that goes with my outfit.
2. Brother's have great insight. Mine does. He knows me and could recount victories and defeats. And then he said something so helpful I have clung to it. But its mine so I'm not sharing it.
3. Love conquers all.
4. When the battle starts, go even when you are battle worn.
5. The only weapon needed is Jesus' name.
6. Don't entertain ugly thoughts, even for a minute.
7. Know scripture and say it to yourself. even if it is only one verse. Say it over and over and over again until you believe it..
8. Let others know and carry you. Its hard to admit weakness but conrads in the journey make the burden lighter. And the enemy looses ground cause its not a secret and we aren't alone.
9. When God says stay, stay but when He says go, go. Even afraid.

  I hope I'm the only one who this ever happens to. But just incase I'm not, Be brave and don't run.