eternal life

on March 14th my daddy took his last breath of earthly and and his first breath of heavenly air. one part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and cheer for him, but the other part of me wants to tie a rope around his leg and pull him back.
 Grief is a weird thing. you cant give an equation to someone and say this is what it will look like, this is when it will show up, this is how you will feel, and this is how long it will take. All that would be helpful. But its not how it is.
Grief requires grace!
It wont look the same for any two people. it shows up at totally inopportune times. its on its own schedule. its totally inconvenient.
Yet its part of this life.
John 16:33 says, " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But that heart! I have overcome the world."
In this instance I love the word BUT.
You see, I know that i know that I KNOW that God told the truth, for us who believe and place our faith and trust in the Lord that this isn't it. That death is our reward. Because what waits for us is a loving Savior who died so we can spend eternity with Him.
I keep wondering, what are they doing? What does it look like? I know that's not for me to know yet. Its not my turn. But it was my Daddy's.
I'm having trouble with this... how to reconcile my daddy's new self with his old  self. I'm totally good on the physical differences. I love thinking of my dad as whole and pain free. Its the personally things I'm having trouble with. How is he not worried about my mom? He loved her so deeply and he would have never wanted to be without her, yet he is?.?And he"s okay with it. I believe worry isn't part of heaven but my earthly mind is having trouble wrapping itself around some things.
Its a few days later now. I started this post last week and didn't get it posted. On Sunday my little guy was having a rough day and after church I asked him what his lesson was about. And he said, ( i love how God works) it was about the verse John 16:33 that we will have trouble in this life but Jesus has overcome the world. Okay so that verse is the verse God is using for our family right now. I love that no matter how I feel and no matter what happens here. I can have hope. Its my right as a child of the King. I have to choose it but its mine nonetheless.
So I'm gonna trust and grieve and KNOW that there is an after this.

I'm Back

Well I'm back. I feel like last year stole my voice. I just had nothing to say because I spent the year with a broken heart. It seemed as soon as I thought I had my footing, the rug got pulled again. This new years eve at midnight I brought in the new year in tears. 2011 held illness and death and life altering changes. It just felt like one thing after another and as many times as I pleaded with the Lord to come back and get us all so the heartache would stop He chose not to.

 So I've been forced to deal with myself.
 To stand up and fight for those I love and for myself, when I wanted to fall down and wallow.(the fighting was done mostly on my knees.)
 I've found out I'm made of a lot stronger stock than I thought.
 I've found that the heart of God has more love and mercy than I believed.
 I've learned to rely on the spirit to turn my uttering into words of prayer.
I've found that even when I feel my voice is quieted the Lord hears the whispers of my heart.
I've found that alone as loneliness feels, I am NEVER alone.

So I decided to draw a line in the sand between 2011 and 2012. This year has already had its challenges but I'm different because of that line.
I looked my companion from last year right in the eyes and told him he wasn't welcome this year.That he had to stay in 2011. That companion is fear. The fear that held my hand last year is the paralyzing, crippling fear that kept me from accomplishing anything last year.
This side of the line holds freedom, excitiment, joy, love, acceptance.
I'm learning to be a good follower. Realizing my ways pale in comparision to the way the Lord wants for me.
I'm ready to believe that I can be differnt, usable, challenged.

So bring on this new year. I plan to look this year in the eye on Dec. 31st and be proud of who I am. To say thank you Lord for changing me, growing me, loving me. Stay tuned.


 

Playing in the storm

         I love the bible stories that have storms in them. They are exciting and scary. and someone is always overcoming and learning something. Fear. Trust. Dependence. Yet, boy, I do not personally handle storms in my life well.  And right now is a season of storms for my family. Each day brings new challenges, a new batch of tears, fear, uncertainty, questions, prayers. You get the picture, I'm a mess. I know where to run but God and I are on different timeline right now. I want it quick and He wants to take His time. And rationally I know His timing is perfect so why doesn't it feel perfect? 
           I'm the first one in line for a friend in crisis, with my Pollyanna attitude and yet here I sit frustrated. I can cheer lead like nobodies business for a friend but for me I'm Eeyore. I actually know why... It's too personal. See if it is your storm I'm only effected by what I'm invited into, but when its my storm I can't escape. ( every time I hear the word escape I hear Dory's voice in my head saying," its spelled like escape but its es-ca-pe' " ) 
    Well God gave me a sweet, sweet visual. In Arizona we have a Monsoon season. The temps will reach up to 115 in the day, yet as the sun descends the clouds will roll in,  the wind will pick up, dust will be as thick as fog, the lighting and thunder and finally the rain. Some nights its massive. Just buckets and buckets of rain. well we had one of the big ones a couple weeks ago and do you know what the children in my neighborhood did? All of them including mine put on their bathing suits and went outside and had a water fight. The laughter and fun that was had in my neighborhood was precious. I wish I had a picture but at the time I felt God nudging me to just be present in the moment. So I was. And at that moment He got my attention. That's what I should be doing in my storm. Stomping in the puddles and head back laughing. And as I've pondered this I've realized a few things...
1. the kids weren't anxious for the storm to end and neither should I be.
2. Having fun in the storm didn't shorten the storm it just made it fun.
3. God delights in my acceptance of His plan.
4.I will eventually end. And will I overcome or am I overcome?
      I'm still a work in progress but with a keen eye to notice whats being taught I hopefully can make my Father proud.
  

wildfires

I grew up in Southern California so every year the Santa Ana winds would come and reek havoc. Fires would start and fire fighters would valiantly battle them. The fires would eventually distinguish and if it didn't effect you personally then life would go on. But what about the peoples whose lives were affected? What then, for them? What about the trees and plants, the wild life that had been displaced? I so carelessly went on without a second glance. Shame on me. The Lord has captured my heart in a way that I can no longer just send up a quick prayer.  He makes me want to be different. He has put compassion in my heart that doesn't allow me to ignore others. It's so good yet so painful. to watch others suffer without a solution. That''s where He comes in.
 But what if we are the ones the fire hits?
This year my life has been hit by wildfires. Not a real fire but a proverbial fire.
 The kind that put me in a boxing ring with God.
He won of course but in the process I found out how big He really is.
He is big enough for me to be mad at Him.
He is big enough for my question.
He is big enough for my tears.
He is big enough to fix it.
And I learned that I need to trust even when it doesn't make sense.
Even when He chooses another way and does use my suggestions.
  Wildfire #1You see on January 11th,2011 God stopped a clock in my life. My sweet Joanne had a massive stoke. Spent weeks in a coma and has been battling back ever since. The road has been long and hard and she is still in the middle of treatment and not totally back to normal. She is brave and strong, even when she doesn't feel it. This was a huge wildfire in my life. My friend had something happen and I couldn't change it. Couldn't pray my way passed it. Couldn't joke my way out of it.
   Wildfire #2 My dad's illness gets the better of him on some days. I want to breathe for him. I don't want him to struggle but I can't change that either. His balance is goofy now and I would like to steady him. But I can't. He's a fighter and even when doctors don't think he can battle back, he does. Yet I wish he didn't have to battle.
   Wildfire #3 My honey lost his job. July 1st was his last day. He is such an amazing man and I struggle with employers not seeing that. Their loss but still, here we are.
  These are just the big ones, the ones I can't stomp out. But here's what I'm learning....
God is big enough
He doesn't need my help, just my trust
In the middle there is no seeing the outcome. But God has a different view point.
After I step back, off of God's toes, and see Him at work and I experience joy and love.
I get to love my friends and family, extravagantly.
Wildflowers grow out of the burned up.
My wildflowers have been.
#1 Having a friend that is still here with me. We can still live, love, dream together.
#2 I can visit and cheer my dad on often. He's still mine and I get to love him.
#3 Lots of family time. We had a great summer being together in a way that isn't possible with Daddy working. We are still a loving unit.
See God doesn't always save us from the wildfires in our life's but He does see us through them.

Why memorize

So last week we started memory verse Monday's. My kids are normal kids so this just sounded like another chore. But their determined mom set out to make this a delight. So each night we would chat about what the verse meant to us, this side of the cross. The verse was Duet. 20:1. Well this is how the week played out...
Wed night at dinner, mom pulls out the card.
Cooper throws his head back and says," not that again!"
Mom disappointed say," yes bud this again." trying to sound upbeat and fun.
Cooper," ok mom let me tell it to you." and he preceded to recite it
My eyes and face showed my shock as I replied," wow, I didn't even think you'd been listening to me."
Thur night dinnertime. Mom pulls out the card.
Savi says," I've got it mom." And off she goes reciting the verse.
Amazed I announce( cause as the mom you've gotta have a little fun jerking their chain) " wow you guys are so god at this maybe we should make this an every 3 day thing?"
To that I got the classic eye rolls and a no once a week is good.
So this week the Cran's are memorizing Psalm 119:11 which says...
"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You."
Short and to the point. I want my kids to know why we are disciplining ourselves to memorize God's word.
See I want God's word hidden as treasures in their hearts because the truth is, I don't know what tomorrow holds. Oh I've got stuff on the calendar but honestly I'm not in control of tomorrow so I need to know I've got scripture hidden in my heart and know that I have equipped my children with it too. that way when the enemy strike we've got weapon's to conquer him with.

LOVE

I had an experience that has parked itself in my mind and heart and just won't leave. Ever happen to you. You just can't get over it. I try to turn those things into prayers but this one made me mad and helpless.
So here it is...
When we were camping our camp site was surrounded by trees and bushes so often we could hear peoples conversations but not see them. Which brought out my nosey. Well at one campsite there was this woman. Yikes this woman. We all know the type that sits in a chair and loudly orders everyone else around. And does it without pleases and thank yous. Her voice was loud and rude and down right mean sometimes. I was very tempted to go over and get a look at her but to be honest I was a little afraid. Nonetheless I did get a good look at her when she came out of her site to use the restroom and saw me washing our dinner pans. She preceded to boss me around and tell me I wasn't doing it right. I smiled on the outside but my insides didn't match my smile.
 Anyway the next morning was our departure day. So Jeff and I got up early to start breaking down camp. When Coop woke up, he was mad at us because even though we had told him several times we were leaving in the morning he had made plans with kids from other campsites and was upset that he wasn't going to be able to play. He was crying and would not receive the hug I wanted to give. Knowing him I knew how disappointed he was.
 Meanwhile something is taking place at the campsite we could hear but not see. A little boy had said something and this woman was talking mean to him. He started to cry and then she preceded to make fun of him, calling him  crybaby and such. Enough to make my blood boil.
 Two campsites, two crying little boys, two very different experiences.
 I realized later how easy it is to be mean. It seems powerful, you don't have to use self discipline.
 But LOVE now that is real power, shows restraint, creates teaching moments, gives acceptance. LOVE, it cost us more but isn't that worth it? To build up instead of tear down. I'm thankful I tend to choose LOVE over meanness. I pray for that family often, even though I want her to get whats coming to her. But when God delivers a message it is much more impactful than if say, I did.
LOVE!!!! Do it! Be it!!

Hiding God's Word

So as the school year starts for my children, this week, yikes. I've as a mom decided that their teachers can teach them all sorts of things that will benefit them but I'm gonna jump on board and teach them what REALLY matters. I'm gonna teach them the discipline of memorizing. Hiding God's word in their heart.

This week we as a family are going to memorize

Deuteronomy 20:1
When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than your, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, will be with you.

I know it feels like a weird verse to have our family memorize the 1st week of school but hears what I get from this verse.

The war now days might not be physical but lets face it. Everything wants my children, music, cults, sports. you name it and it wants to steal my children's love for God and put other things in front of Him. that's a war.

Also the things our head tells us is also a war. We or I tell myself lies all the time. your worthless, incapable, fat. You name it so its a war in there too.

And our enemy never shows up alone, cause hes a coward. He brings friends to trip us up.

BUT because My Savior has brought us all out of our own desert places we can be confident that HE is with us. And we don't need to fear because our enemy is on a leash held by the Lord.

 So that's why this mom chose that verse. I want to give my children the arsenal of God word to battle any attack they may face.