on March 14th my daddy took his last breath of earthly and and his first breath of heavenly air. one part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and cheer for him, but the other part of me wants to tie a rope around his leg and pull him back.
Grief is a weird thing. you cant give an equation to someone and say this is what it will look like, this is when it will show up, this is how you will feel, and this is how long it will take. All that would be helpful. But its not how it is.
Grief requires grace!
It wont look the same for any two people. it shows up at totally inopportune times. its on its own schedule. its totally inconvenient.
Yet its part of this life.
John 16:33 says, " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But that heart! I have overcome the world."
In this instance I love the word BUT.
You see, I know that i know that I KNOW that God told the truth, for us who believe and place our faith and trust in the Lord that this isn't it. That death is our reward. Because what waits for us is a loving Savior who died so we can spend eternity with Him.
I keep wondering, what are they doing? What does it look like? I know that's not for me to know yet. Its not my turn. But it was my Daddy's.
I'm having trouble with this... how to reconcile my daddy's new self with his old self. I'm totally good on the physical differences. I love thinking of my dad as whole and pain free. Its the personally things I'm having trouble with. How is he not worried about my mom? He loved her so deeply and he would have never wanted to be without her, yet he is?.?And he"s okay with it. I believe worry isn't part of heaven but my earthly mind is having trouble wrapping itself around some things.
Its a few days later now. I started this post last week and didn't get it posted. On Sunday my little guy was having a rough day and after church I asked him what his lesson was about. And he said, ( i love how God works) it was about the verse John 16:33 that we will have trouble in this life but Jesus has overcome the world. Okay so that verse is the verse God is using for our family right now. I love that no matter how I feel and no matter what happens here. I can have hope. Its my right as a child of the King. I have to choose it but its mine nonetheless.
So I'm gonna trust and grieve and KNOW that there is an after this.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
I'm Back
Well I'm back. I feel like last year stole my voice. I just had nothing to say because I spent the year with a broken heart. It seemed as soon as I thought I had my footing, the rug got pulled again. This new years eve at midnight I brought in the new year in tears. 2011 held illness and death and life altering changes. It just felt like one thing after another and as many times as I pleaded with the Lord to come back and get us all so the heartache would stop He chose not to.
So I've been forced to deal with myself.
To stand up and fight for those I love and for myself, when I wanted to fall down and wallow.(the fighting was done mostly on my knees.)
I've found out I'm made of a lot stronger stock than I thought.
I've found that the heart of God has more love and mercy than I believed.
I've learned to rely on the spirit to turn my uttering into words of prayer.
I've found that even when I feel my voice is quieted the Lord hears the whispers of my heart.
I've found that alone as loneliness feels, I am NEVER alone.
So I decided to draw a line in the sand between 2011 and 2012. This year has already had its challenges but I'm different because of that line.
I looked my companion from last year right in the eyes and told him he wasn't welcome this year.That he had to stay in 2011. That companion is fear. The fear that held my hand last year is the paralyzing, crippling fear that kept me from accomplishing anything last year.
This side of the line holds freedom, excitiment, joy, love, acceptance.
I'm learning to be a good follower. Realizing my ways pale in comparision to the way the Lord wants for me.
I'm ready to believe that I can be differnt, usable, challenged.
So bring on this new year. I plan to look this year in the eye on Dec. 31st and be proud of who I am. To say thank you Lord for changing me, growing me, loving me. Stay tuned.
So I've been forced to deal with myself.
To stand up and fight for those I love and for myself, when I wanted to fall down and wallow.(the fighting was done mostly on my knees.)
I've found out I'm made of a lot stronger stock than I thought.
I've found that the heart of God has more love and mercy than I believed.
I've learned to rely on the spirit to turn my uttering into words of prayer.
I've found that even when I feel my voice is quieted the Lord hears the whispers of my heart.
I've found that alone as loneliness feels, I am NEVER alone.
So I decided to draw a line in the sand between 2011 and 2012. This year has already had its challenges but I'm different because of that line.
I looked my companion from last year right in the eyes and told him he wasn't welcome this year.That he had to stay in 2011. That companion is fear. The fear that held my hand last year is the paralyzing, crippling fear that kept me from accomplishing anything last year.
This side of the line holds freedom, excitiment, joy, love, acceptance.
I'm learning to be a good follower. Realizing my ways pale in comparision to the way the Lord wants for me.
I'm ready to believe that I can be differnt, usable, challenged.
So bring on this new year. I plan to look this year in the eye on Dec. 31st and be proud of who I am. To say thank you Lord for changing me, growing me, loving me. Stay tuned.
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